random

There has been a lot of thoughts worth documenting but I just couldn't sit myself in front of the computer to go through it unless I sacrifice a night of youtubing (which is exactly what I'm doing tonight)

Let's start with this. In engineering school, we were frequently asked if we liked machines or human better. It was an important question because one group would be trained to talk to machines and the other would be trained to talk to people about machines. At that time, I couldn't decide which was better.

I like machines and I appreciate the beauty of technology. I like new creative features on the high tech gadgets but I never ever had the patience to explore their full capabilities (and their limits). I couldn't understand how one device interface with the other without doing extensive studies and many hours dozing off. And that means my love for machine was a superficial one because it would never go as deep as it should be as with the case of the system engineers or the system designers.

I like socializing too and I like to think I'm more into it than most people. I'm a team player and at some point of time, other people must get involved in my work. That said, it doesn't mean I'm good at it. I try to interact but not everyone clicks. And I've recognized that as a fact of life and I can't possibly please everyone even though that would be the aim.

Ok. Not totally true. Nowadays I'm too lazy to try to please everyone.

Anyway, I guess that's how I ended in my job, because it gave me the best of both worlds. On one hand, i get to meet people and talk to them about problems and solutions. On the other hand, I get to design solutions on a macroscopic level and overlook the microscopic details (which is both good and bad).

Talking about work, these 4 months have been very interesting. While I like many things about my work, I got to say that I feel inadequate at times. Call it insecurity, or maybe I'm having low self esteem, but I don't get to benchmark my performance with other fresh grads because this isn't a typical entry level job. The people I'm dealing with are in this field for quite a while and are more experienced than I am. And that can't be the excuse for being green because the world doesn't care if you're level in the playing field. You're either in it or you're not.

I wonder many times if I'm in or out. Good news is that there are people who give encouragement and tell me I'm doing good. Bad news is that I can think of many reasons why I'm not. Well, the better news is that I am not going to complain about it and do nothing. With time, I believe I can excel. I just don't think my speed's good enough.

Out of the many things I lack, I think I should start focusing on building up self confidence. It's a very interesting story, confidence is usually the sole factor that determines my performance. On occassions I'm armed with good confidence, I'll do things that amaze myself. On other days, even the simplest task would fail.

And confidence is reinforced by a lot of things. Knowledge, personal grooming, good sleep, exposure, experience... blah blah blah. I've got a good idea where to start.

Ok... quite sleepy now, so it'll be good sleep for now.