insomnia

At 5 am on the tenth week of the third semester in school, I suddenly feel the weight of time resting heavy on my shoulders. It must be contributed by the "rule of four" I finished reading just before I try to sleep and some other random thoughts that came to mind on bed. I tossed on the bed for almost an hour thinking about people I used to know who turned strangers and stangers who are now friends. There are many things that changed without me realising.

On my bedside table stands my alarm clock which rings for 5 sec everyday before I switch it off and go back into my blankets. Its only purpose is to give me a false assurance before I go to sleep and to ease my guilt when I finally wake many hours later. Lying on bed just now, I recalled the time when I could wake myself up even with just 2 or 3 hours of sleep. I have totally lost that ability to fight off the tiredness without sleeping for 9 to 10 hours. It can never return to me without my mother walking into my room with a cane, without the instructors throwing me off my bed, without the pressure of knowing I can't even shit in peace once all other coursemates wake from their dreams, and without having to produce an MC for not attending classes.

I've got this feeling that as time progress, it is leaving me to stand on my own feet. My mother doesn't wake half an hour before me to get me ready to school, my Dad stopped giving me advices, my brother returns from camp once every week. I stopped contacting many of my friends who used to give me all the moral and emotional support I need. I make new ones for convenience. Is this a feeling of lonliness I thought I can never feel?