uncle

planned to sleep early and wake at 5, but it's already 3.30a.m. I have tried and tried... but can't sleep... can't stop thinking of physics test.

so instead of forcing myself to sleep or killing myself with an overdosage of quantum mechanics, i've decided that i should blog abt my uncle before i blog abt valentine's day tmr.

here goes..

My extended family is a very big family, with some expanded overseas and i've not met them before. With such a big family, it's logical to think that my house will be filled with guests every chinese new year, but that is far from what is happening. My mum is in a major dispute with many other relatives... politics... so we slept for the whole of new year.

My grandmother's youngest son, my mum's youngest brother, my youngest uncle, is someone i hardly see in recent years. In the past when I was under the care of my grandma, i lived with this uncle as well. He was studying in a junior college, very smart, was a top student i think. His academic performance was definately one of the best (if not the best) in the family such that even the younger generation (mine) doesn't come close. Even as a 5 yr old kid, I knew that he was smarter than many people. However, his academic achievements did not speak for his behaviour... for he was mean, especially to kids like me. Whenever my grandma was out to practice taichee... i would be in his room for a scolding or pulling my ears. In the past i thought i deserved them... but i still can't understand this sadistic behavior as a grown up cos this is not something i'll do to other 5 yr old kids, not so intensive at least.

The problem came after i complained to my mum, which i really regreted cos my mum talks about this even after several years. But how can you blame me for wanting to seek refuge when i was a helpless 5 yr old. Of course i know that the family dispute is not about me, i'm just used as a tool in the arguments.

The problem got bigger, my mum and uncle finally refuse to speak to each other. My mum, notorious for being stubbon and unreasonable, while my uncle, famous for his temper and rudeness...

Whenever it is time to bai nian, my brother and i are always in a dilemma.

Strangely, my uncle always set aside ang paos for us, and my grandma (who's living with him) will always ask us to collect it ourselves.

Yesterday, i finally saw my uncle after several years. I wished him a happy new year, he didn't even turn to me, just made a cold "uh" and proceeded straight to the bathroom. I thought the years have wash away any hatred, if any, and i am only my mother's son, i'm not the one fighting with him. He came out of the bathroom and quickly grabbed his helmet. I asked if he''s going out (obviously trying to make conversation), he gave another 'uh', refusing to look at me and my brother.

I immediately reached a conclusion. The angpaos that he insists to give every year is to repay whatever my mum has done for him when she regarded him as a brother. My mum must have tortured him with the constant reminders of "eh... u still remember who paid for ur fees when u were schooling not???" (i think my mum is wrong to say that tho... that is too hurting for a man's pride... and u can't use gratitude to win an argument).

if it's out of guilty conscious.. i rather he'll just save that money for himself. I don't want to be another tool