Somehow, all my attempts to sleep early failed...... I probably am destined to have a very sleepy working life.
Anyway, while trying to get to sleep tonight, a lot of thoughts came to mind, particularly about work. Just half a year ago, I was jumping over the moon for being in the job that deals directly with computer vision. After a few projects, the excitement slowly fade away and I'm being thrown a few challenging tasks. That's ok, because the initial excitement can't hold that long. If I like something, I got to like it for all its different faces. Not just that one that attracted me into this line.
And I spent a lot of time thinking how I could possibly make a difference. At some point of time, I was so envious because most of my other friends in other industries just need to go with the flow. Nothing more is expected. But I know I shouldn't be, I have long decided to take up something that gives me the opportunity to do something new. I just am being frustrated because I haven't came up with anything good. I do not want to depend on guidance anymore. I have to seek a few answers myself.
It's, of course, easier said than done. Where do I begin, or have I already began? I have no answer. Every path i'm taking now can result in anything. I lack certainty. I do not know what's waiting at the end of every path. I just keep walking. And I do not know what's missing. Foresight? Confidence? Or maybe they're all there.... I'm just impatient?
Work isn't about not making any mistake now. It is about finding the right answer. I do have problem convincing others and myself that I have the right answers to move everyone forward. Yet, if I simply follow, I don't feel comfortable at all. At the end of the day, I figured this is what I need to work on. Don't waver that much!!! I need to be firm!
Being firm was something that came naturally to me in my younger days. I would not have problem drawing lines, making demands to others and making a point across. In addition, I was able to do it without offending anyone because I was very sensitive towards how others feel. It was the ideal state of being assertive, not aggressive. I was very proud of that.
That was what it's like for serious work. My social life was a little screwed up because I was much more easy going when it comes to socializing. There were times people take advantage of that and there were times I allow them to do it again and again. I thought it was weird to demand respect from others, especially if it's not for work. It amazed me how I can display two extreme characteristics at different times.
These days, I don't go to the extremes anymore. I no longer tolerate people who don't show respect. At the same time, I seemed to have lost that assertive self I valued very much.
If this seems like I'm doing my identity search, it isn't exactly the case. I've done that long ago. It's just that people change and along the way they gain some and lose some. Sometimes, they look at where they are and they think about what they've lost. A tint of regret and that's it, they move on.
Arggggg..... just 2 hours to 5am. I should start solving my sleeping problems
