The thing that drives me is a very strange sort of motivation. While I won't say what it is, it is very effective because I constantly find problems with myself to improve on. So this kinda motivation probably derives from some inferiority complex that has to be managed properly.

Good thing about having this driving factor is that it really drives. Because at any point of time, I cannot stop thinking how I should improve myself and how time is really running out. On the other hand, I don't want my confidence to shutter because I keep thinking I'm not good enough.

It's a little like tug of war. Confidence VS this strange motivating factor.

From the way it was written, Tuesday with Morrie was probably a true story. That's something worth noting because it was both real and logical, considering most real things aren't really logical.

Its most important lesson (at least for me) was about dealing with emotions. This would be a really strange subject to me in the younger days because I did not experience enough back then to know much about it. I had little patience with people who let emotions get the better of them and I always had the disillusion that I was more matured. When I did go through something unpleasant, it was a shock that I didn't do better than the people I used to look down on. That changed me a little, and strangely, it was for the better. It made me feel more complete.

The advice in the book was this (Not exactly but here's my interpretation): Everyone goes through all sorts of emotions. Anger, misery, self-pity, jealousy and hatred are some of which we always want to avoid. However in reality, we do experience them because we're human and there isn't really a point trying to convince yourself otherwise. Instead, learn from it and evolve. Let the emotion go through you, see what it does, see how it started, but keep a mind on what's happening. When you do that, you learn what it is about and the next time you'll manage it better.

And somehow I link this to a phrase that I like very much: "The only way not to make mistake is to do nothing, which in our time, is the biggest mistake of all." This isn't telling you to make mistakes diberately (for people planning to rob a bank), but rather, it's about not giving up dreams because you want to avoid the consequences of failing. Yes you may fail, and everyone definitely will at some point of time, yes you'll be sorry, yes things may not work for you... and at the end of it, you have something valuable. You've sailed through a storm and you'll be stronger for another one.

I wasn't many things I wanted to be, and for most of them, I still am not. But there's never a doubt that someday I will, because I'm willing to move out of my comfort zone now. Because I no longer care if I'll fail. Because I'll spend the rest of my life wondering if I don't work for what I want

And....... this is my thought for tonight

Unpolished diamonds

Paul Potts, the winner of Britain's got Talent, might have been easy to overlook with his seemingly nervous appearance. It must be sheer guts that has made him decide to stand in front of millions of viewers to perform what he thought he's good at. Except that it wasn't good. It was great.

See how he transformed the uninterested crowd into a wave of cheers.

Not everyone will spakle like a diamond. But then again, not everyone has the guts to try.

random

There has been a lot of thoughts worth documenting but I just couldn't sit myself in front of the computer to go through it unless I sacrifice a night of youtubing (which is exactly what I'm doing tonight)

Let's start with this. In engineering school, we were frequently asked if we liked machines or human better. It was an important question because one group would be trained to talk to machines and the other would be trained to talk to people about machines. At that time, I couldn't decide which was better.

I like machines and I appreciate the beauty of technology. I like new creative features on the high tech gadgets but I never ever had the patience to explore their full capabilities (and their limits). I couldn't understand how one device interface with the other without doing extensive studies and many hours dozing off. And that means my love for machine was a superficial one because it would never go as deep as it should be as with the case of the system engineers or the system designers.

I like socializing too and I like to think I'm more into it than most people. I'm a team player and at some point of time, other people must get involved in my work. That said, it doesn't mean I'm good at it. I try to interact but not everyone clicks. And I've recognized that as a fact of life and I can't possibly please everyone even though that would be the aim.

Ok. Not totally true. Nowadays I'm too lazy to try to please everyone.

Anyway, I guess that's how I ended in my job, because it gave me the best of both worlds. On one hand, i get to meet people and talk to them about problems and solutions. On the other hand, I get to design solutions on a macroscopic level and overlook the microscopic details (which is both good and bad).

Talking about work, these 4 months have been very interesting. While I like many things about my work, I got to say that I feel inadequate at times. Call it insecurity, or maybe I'm having low self esteem, but I don't get to benchmark my performance with other fresh grads because this isn't a typical entry level job. The people I'm dealing with are in this field for quite a while and are more experienced than I am. And that can't be the excuse for being green because the world doesn't care if you're level in the playing field. You're either in it or you're not.

I wonder many times if I'm in or out. Good news is that there are people who give encouragement and tell me I'm doing good. Bad news is that I can think of many reasons why I'm not. Well, the better news is that I am not going to complain about it and do nothing. With time, I believe I can excel. I just don't think my speed's good enough.

Out of the many things I lack, I think I should start focusing on building up self confidence. It's a very interesting story, confidence is usually the sole factor that determines my performance. On occassions I'm armed with good confidence, I'll do things that amaze myself. On other days, even the simplest task would fail.

And confidence is reinforced by a lot of things. Knowledge, personal grooming, good sleep, exposure, experience... blah blah blah. I've got a good idea where to start.

Ok... quite sleepy now, so it'll be good sleep for now.