This whole thing is too long for the tagboard

Who is anonymous??? (from the way you speak, I have an idea tho)

Anyway, I didn't expect any of you to read that, especially since it's an old entry. Perhaps, you should read this as well...

Regarding the party, Yes.... I was pissed with alot of things, with some people, but I had my fun as well. The party didn't turn out to be all bad. I came up with a new magic trick with gongyi, I had fun with the kids, and i'm happy to meet the old classmates.

The one about me having the wrong idea, reading too much into things. Perhaps i made lots of assumptions, but many were logical. I think that even in darkness, I can tell who threw pillows at me.... the kids did, but they couldn't have threw it straight to my face... the girls did, but the ones they threw lacked strength...

Things that were said, I've never (never) believe that they were ill intended. The issue, however, isn't on the content... like what i had typed on the comments, friends are embodiments of memories. Sometimes, there's a protocol in the way that you speak to certain people. The contents are not important. You think they're smart, you'll tell them something intellectual. You think they're dumb, you tend to speak in another manner. The manner I was spoken to suggested how i may have been perceived. And I don't think I'm wrong on this.

The alcohol money, don't worry about it. I don't think it's nice of me to ask for the balance back, and i'm not angry about it anymore. The reason why it sparked anger in the first place was the lack of consideration and not the money. If i had been shown that there was plan to split the cost and the people really wanted the alcohol, i would not have been angry. I spent around half an hour to 45mins searching for that bottle. Anyway, I'm ok with it already... it was a half bottle i've only paid an extra 20plus dollars or so. so forget it lah..... I don't want the rest of the boys to come to this blog and ask me what happened....

This feels weird you know, writing to a friend like this in my blog... and it seems kinda serious. I'm never serious in front of friends, and i guess that's not very healthy. Last time I used to laugh alot at jokes, espcially the jokes on me. You may have noticed, recently I can't take these things as well as before. I don't know if the problem lies with me... or perhaps, I'm old enough to be defensive.

Anyway, some things have not changed.... I still enjoy the company, still enjoy going out not knowing what to do, and miss the basketball sessions alot. I have no doubt that I'll be invited to your wedding, have no doubt that I may be the godfather of your son, have no doubt that we'll play chess in coffeeshops with one anther in 60 yrs time (maybe chess will be replaced totally by pokemon cards then... who knows). but certain things have changed, and we'll keep changing (I don't know what's the relevance... but it seems good to have such a phrase)

and.... don't tell the rest about this thing. The feelings are mine to know even tho i had typed it out. Like i said, I din expect any of you to see that entry. esp xiong, since it's his birthday. I appreciate the explanation and the apology.

oh yar.... who are you?

NPCC

I'm more depressed in my holidays than the time I'm doing my exams.

I spend every waking minute thinking about where to find more lecturers, who to send emails, what to send in the emails, who to call, what to say blah blah blah.... there is much work to be done before the actual LMSC courses.

For your information, LMSC is the thing that depressed me during exams as well. It's just getting more depressing now, with people complaining that we're not doing our job. I think I have to reconsider the value of this whole thing.

The whole NPCC organisation is flawed. Firstly, Job allocation isn't fair. Some people take all the shit while others MIA totally. Secondly, there's not much recognition or acknowledgment to what we're giving. Can you believe I've only earned 3 CCA points for all the time, effort and money I've committed?? Thirdly, there is too much internal politics and conflict.

I begin to question myself why I'm joining NPCC again. I'm always proud to be in NPCC, especially when I'm in secondary school. It was the strongest ECA in my school and everybody else looked up to NPCC cadets. We were fitter and more mature than the average (or at least the perception was that). Other than the pride, NPCC changed a big part of me into what I am today, and I like that change. I owed NPCC alot and I always want to contribute back to this organisation.

However, joining the cca again at this level turns out to be totally different from what I had expected. We're kept busy so that we won't have time to go back to our alma mater. We have to organise events that are ongoing even when all other ccas step down for exams. We organise events that make everyone else unhappy. And NOBODY appreciates what NPCC do.

I don't understand why a chinese new year adhoc earns you 20 points while organising a nation wide camp earns you nothing at all.

I have to question the existence of HOs. They seem to exist so that teacher officers and staff officers can conveniently push their job to them. But has anyone ever try to fight for the HOs, understand that they have a whole load of modules and other activities in campus while handling all the NPCC stuffs? Handling NPCC stuffs alone is bad enough, imagine we have to join other ccas to earn cca points.

It's ironic. I had always thought that NPCC had taught me organizational skills, while it is the exact same thing that the organisation is lacking.

To make matters worse, NPCC officers don't share the comradeship anymore. All the years of training had transformed everyone into egoistic, over-confident and arrogant brats, thinking that him/her is most capable and the fault lies with everyone else. There's no more mutual support, no more common understanding. People come and screw you when there feel insecure of their own job.

As compared to the people that I work with (except for the few who are really outstanding), I really prefer the juniors who are still capable yet humble. I hope they don't grow to be like us.

Dreams

Dunstan blogged of his weird dreams. Unlike Dunstan who seems to have weird dreams only recently, I always dream of things that make no sense. Sometimes i'm the subject of my dream, sometimes i'm in the background, and sometimes i'm not even there at all. It's only logical Dreams don't make any sense, it is weird to dream of normal things. I have a friend who thinks that dreams can be interpreted. Dreams to me, are made of memories. Sometimes a cross of different memories and you can't recognise them separately, yet u see familiarity in them, and you wonder if your dreams are saying anything...

I'll share the special ones

1) The very first dream that I remember

I was 5. My brother and I were playing with our own toys on the floor. Then this stranger who looked like Yoda from starwars peered through the window. He was big, for anything when I was 5 looked big to me. I felt scared, cos i thought yoda from starwars was a monster. Yoda grinned, and he told me that my brother was actually a set of 3D jigsaw puzzle. I looked at my brother, and found that he really was a set of puzzle. My mother came into the room and she screamed at me for taking my brother apart. I got worried and quickly put the pieces back, only to find I lost a few pieces.

It's quite scary

2) Dream of the same dream

I don't know why. This dream kept coming back to me when I was younger. Few blocks of ice collapsed onto one another and I had to run away from them.

3) Dream of falling

The most common of all dreams, the kind that makes me kick my blankets. The contents are not always the same, sometimes i fall from an escalator, sometimes the floor give way, sometimes I fall towards the sky.

4) Dream of Love

She was the cutest girl my buddies and I had ever seen. On the dance floor, I got paired up with somebody else while she danced with my buddy. I saw her pressing her hand on my buddy's chest which is a sign of affection. My heart sank, and it kept sinking even when I woke.

5) Nightmares

I don't usually have nightmares. Normally when I'm chased by a monster and come to a dead end, I'll transform into something more powerful than the monster. I know that deep down, even when i'm asleep, I don't want to see my own end. The scariest one is this......

It was daytime. Somehow I know that the house would be haunted in the Night. The family panicked and quickly packed the things. The feeling of desperation was real. Then, without warning, the night came. The spirits appeared one by one. I saw hands trying to grab me and i made way to the door. I made it to the door when the nearest hand failed to catch me, and I ran as fast as I could to the market. Then i realised I left my family behind. The sense of guilt overcame me. And I woke the next day feeling down.

The disturbing thing was not the ghosts in my dream. It was the idea of abandoning my family when I'm desperate.

6) Wet Dreams

They were quite frequent in my days of raging hormones. But unlike what people think they are, they were seldom pleasant for me. Not all were about having sex with babes. At times, i dreamt of being intimate with someone unattractive and still wet my bed. At times, I dreamed that I was doing nothing at all and still wet my bed. In the mornings, when my mum found me sleeping on the sofa, I would tell her I peed worms onto my bed, and she knew what it was. When I got older, I got lazy to bother about washing up in the middle of the night. I learned that if I just go back to sleep and leave it as it is, I'll find no visible stain in the morning, and no smell can be detected. At times, I wondered if I had a wet dream the previous night or it was a dream of me having wet dream

7) Dream that made me ashame

My brother and I got separated from our parents. We were kids, and we couldn't do much on our own. We went hungry for many days . A kind passerby threw us 2 portion of food. My brother, being young and couldn't hold things properly, dropped his food into the drain. He came over to me in desperation to ask for some of my food. I moved mine away from him and shouted, "NO!" He cried. I felt guilty at once and I gave him what I had. That dream haunted my waking time for a week or so. I had almost apologized to my brother.

8) Dream of waking

I woke, and I found myself in another dream...

9) Dream of peeing

It was after a long outfield exercise. We had not slept a wink for over 40 hours and collapsed on our bed the moment we finished cleaning ourselves. The water parade earlier had got my bladder filled to the brim, I woke from time to time but was too tired to go to the toilet. At last, I managed to struggle off the bed and walked to the toilet. I saw the urinal in front of me and i stood in front of it sleepily. I wasn't able to see well, but I couldn't hold anymore. I relaxed the muscle that was holding the water and now trembling violently. The muscle happily complied to the signal my brain sent. And water came gushing out and I felt a moment of calmness and relieved. Then I woke. I thought to myself, "SHIT!" and I was too weak to do anything else. At least the struggle was over. I went back to sleep.

10) Dream of love II

She sat opposite me, confided to me about her worries, her troubles, and looked at me as if she was expecting me to emphathize with her. She was never this close, we never ever had a conversation like this. For the first time, I found her lovable. Because she opened up the delicate side of her, bacause she seemed to be needing protection, and she came so close to me.

That was a dream. In actual fact, we were not even close as friends, so the conversation was not real. I never liked her. But after the dream, I began to notice her, I found myself falling for her. It didn't make sense, both the dream and reality. In the first place, the reasons why i started liking her were in the dream, and they weren't real. So I liked qualities of her that she didn't really possess.

11) Educational dreams

When I was studying DNA, I was so frustrated because I couldn't visualise the model of DNA from the descriptions by the lectuer. Then, at night, I dreamt of two strands of threads unwinding in front of me, with spheres in between them. I woke the next day and found that model similar to what my prof had described

Had dreams of maths formulas and computing sentences before exams, but they are not accurate. Sometimes you see logic in the maths formula you are studying, and u dream of that logic. But that logic doesn't take any physical form like those things u see with your eyes, and you still know you're dreaming of that logic

old friends

I feel some friends are no longer friends, some friendships are based on old ties and nothing else.

I had a gathering last week. Being late as usual, I asked if i could pick up something for them along the way. The person on the other end of the phone asked for a bottle of chivas, which cost over 100 for a bottle. I asked if he's sure and he said that they would share the cost. I bought a half bottle anyway, since that was the closest i found. Only 3 were sharing, and they only paid 10 dollars per person. On one hand, i was glad that I've only found the half bottle, on the other hand..... I was pissed because i absorbed the remaining cost that was not paid for!!!!!!

I thought it was only polite not to show any sign of frustration in a birthday party. That was a gathering of old friends and I shouldn't be calculative with friends. But i just couldn't help thinking how many times I absorbed these things whenever we're out. If I'm not the one paying, I always make sure i pay more than my share so that the one paying will not have to pay extra. If i can think of that for my friends, why can't they think the same for me??? I felt so disregarded.... THE SAD THING IS, None of them really wanted that alcohol...

Money aside. I tried not to let my mood influence the party. There were some children around, one of them jumped onto the bed and fell. She landed on her head, and she sobbed while pressing her palms on her head. While i tried to pacify her 'does it hurt???', one of my old friends replied instead " of course lah... then why you think she cry?" I turned a deaf ear to that and continued 'it doesn't hurt that much right???', the girl shook her head bravely. "Come, stand up and walk it off", the girl complied, while my smart friend made another smart comment " walk it off?? u think she leg pain ah?" At that moment, I wanted to take up the pillow and throw it right at my friend's face, if only I had one, and it wasn't a birthday party, and he wasn't a friend. Why can't all these insults wait when i'm trying to do something good? Are the things i said really stupid?

With that, let me digress. I can take any insult that is meant as a joke or a constructive feedback. I cannot accept anyone telling me I am fucked up with no reason, or anyone saying that simply to agitate me. Cheesebuns

We played blind cat, and that was to entertain the kids. I had no mind to win and so i was always the catcher (blind cat)... In a small room, even when i'm blindfolded, I could have easily catch someone with abit of speed. Instead, i slowed down so that the kids would not run around in the dark room. To my surprise (very big surprise), someone threw pillows to my face a few times (which was what i wanted to do earlier but did not)... and there could be only one (or two) person in the entire room who could do that. It couldn't be the kids.... cause it was thrown in my face with force. It couldn't be the girls.... so it must be the old freinds.

CHEESEBUNS

If he had only put a little more thinking into it.... he'll know
that the game was about the kids....
that i certainly won't find it funny to be attacked by pillows to my face when i'm blindfolded....
that it's ironic because i actually wanted to throw a pillow at him earlier

While i was blind under the heavy cover of the blankets i had to walk around with, I was reaching my boiling point. Not wanting to spoil the fun for the children, I continued with the game, telling them that they shouldn't throw pillow at a blind guy. I still got attacked... and later i found that i was the only one getting attacked. Under the blankets, while pretending that i was still on the game, I was actually thinking about other things.....

I was thinking about why i had to put up with that kind of behavior? Was the situation unappropriate for a confrontation, or am i too weak to confront a friend? My mind immiediately recollected scenes of me being mistreated.....

I remember him telling me that I'm gullible (which is groundless and not constructive and totally meant as a way for him to win his argument) when he was trying to win an argument. (Anyway, i got the facts that he just refused to believe). Have u ever tried winning an argument against a friend with "but you cannot be right, you're stupid!!!", instead of arguing with facts and evidence?

I remember spending my precious birthday shopping around for other people's clothes (one whole day), and get rewarded with a gift that was picked from the free gifts booth from the street (right in front of my eyes). I had other options to spend my bday... and i would very much like to spend it with other people if i could turn back the time.... It was my 21st birthday, it was supposed to be memorable!!!

Friends I've known for the longest time, including the above mentioned (whether i made reference to 'him or 'them') change from the time we were really friends. Some proved to be better friends, some abuse me. I always think i play a part for people to disregard me, I must have bent my head so low that people just have to step on it. Should friends be people who remember birthdays, buy pricey mindless gifts just to keep the old ties, or people who
genuinely consider for you?

Army guys are all perverts

3 weeks of my holidays will be spent in my old camp, the war world 2 structures that the japs failed to destroy. The place is still run down, even though it has new toilets and furnitures. When it rains, the buildings shake with every thunder.

I'm glad to see old friends, especially my coursemates from the commander course. The coursemates are most pervertic of all peopl. I've forgotten about it but it came back to me the moment I met one of them...

me: hey!!!! name censored!!!!!

censored: astroboy???!! (they call my astroboy)

me: Yes lah....how are you.... long time no see

censored: SIAN LAH... no girl

me: oh! the rest???

censored: Ivan and his girlfriend fuck everywhere....

Because i've spent one year living as a normal civilian, I couldn't keep up with that guy. Later, it occured to me that army guys are only interested to talk about their sex life....

(why censor that guy's name but not Ivan's??? I'm not trying to protect their interest... I just want to make sure ivan won't kill that guy if he ever sees this.)

back to the conversation...

me: oh... so that means Ivan's very good now huh???

censored: yar.... he got a very big cock.... have you seen his cock???

me: what??? he showed you????

censored: no lah... it just that sometimes when we share the toilet in the morning, Ivan walks around in his undies. Even if I don't feel like talking, I'll go '..... hmm... big...'

me: eh..... you're sick you know......

censored: NO LOH.... his men also asked me why his cock so big

me (traumatized): WAAAAA!!!! HE SHOWED HIS MEN????

censored: eh!!!! why you so stunned???? are you the astroboy i know or not???

what was I like??? i can't recall. Anyway, 3 of the other coursemates saw me and they came over to join the conversation.... about IVAN (not really about ivan as a person lah... about ivan's little brother maybe, except that it's not little)

Aren't you flattered??? but i think you'll never see this

the other guy: I heard he parks his brother upstairs

another other guy: then won't it protrude out??

another another guy: maybe he folds the remaining!!!

that's getting too far.... but the idea is that.

And even though none of them talked about the past.... the 'fond' memories just come flooding into my brain...

I remember the time Ivan (you again) tried to lick his own nipple as a wager

I remember analysing with the guys if our commander's gay...

I remember finding 2 of the guys on the same bed every morning

and yes.... my favourite memory.... of "yoko yoko-ing" someone's nipples... and "kiwi-ed" them black!!!! (which reminds me.... we used to play with nipples alot... if someone says he likes black nipples, he'll get his nipples kiwi-ed, if someone says he likes them big, he'll get pinched until they're swollen.)

and the time we "colgate-d" someone's balls

I bet i can't remember many of my army friends without seeing their nipples

248

I do not know exactly what is wrong with my room. Maybe it is the heat, the decoration, or the mess I've made myself. Maybe it's my PC that is switched on for 24hrs a day, or the blind that has failed its function, or my dark and dirty mattress that seems to be a reservoir of lices and bugs. Maybe it's the ants or cockcroaches that are hidden somewhere behind my table. It makes me irritated, sleepy, and unproductive. In the day, when I need to work, or read, or just relax, my eyelids will feel heavy and i feel a need to lie on the bug infested bed, where sunlight somehow filter through the blinds and heat up my bums so that my thighs become sweaty and I'll be forced to wake, and i'll feel even more tired, to wake with a sticky and sweaty body. I will feel tired in front of the computer, playing games or just surfing the net if not doing work, trying my best to keep away from the bed where all the heat and bugs are accumulated, but at the same time yearning to give in to its calling. Then in the nights, the tiredness goes away and I feel reluctant to sleep. Even if i'd try to, I'll feel itchy all over and imagine that there are bugs all over me, though the heat is no more. Then I'll stay awake again, sitting in front of my computer that is running for 24hrs a day. Some time back, JJ suggested that the lamps contribute to the heat, and we switch them off whenever we can. It does help, even if it's psychological, but only to a small extend. We never get to figure out why our room is the hottest place in the whole hall. We have 2 fans which blow the hot air to us. The occasional rains wet the heat and make it easier to sweat. JJ gets just as irritated and that is why don't see him in hall very often. There's a lizard somewhere which I never actually see before that makes clucking noises at the same time from the same corner everynight for as long as i've moved in. Maybe not from the same lizard because I don't think geckoes have that long a lifespan. JJ and I always joked about the lizard or its descendent but we don't actually find it funny. It gets on our nerves sometimes, when we are finally able to sleep but the lizard brings us back. This room is supposed to be my resting place in school, and i don't regard it as a 2nd home at all. I don't feel so restless everywhere else, and i can't be more glad to move to another room next year. Funny thing is people are fighting so hard for this room. And yes, I've never actually saw the bugs, but i feel they're always there.